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One of my favorite worship songs that my family has heard me play repeatedly during this valley.
Zephaniah 3:17 - The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
In My Weakness Renewed by His Love
My body is wearing down a bit from the second session of chemo. The past 48 hours fatigue nailed me to my bed. The combination of the steroids wearing off and the neulasta shot to boost my white blood cell counts knocked me down for a few days. There is an intense achiness and weakness in my legs. There are moments when I feel so tired, so exhausted, so weak there is nothing left inside to act as energy - I'm totally depleted. All I can do is go to bed and rest. I'm unable to do anything else.
As I've laid in bed resting I've been reflecting on something I read last week by Amy Carmichael from her book Rose from Brier.
O, God, renew us in Thy love today,
For our tomorrow we have not a care,
Who blessed our yesterday
Will meet us there
But our today is all athirst for Thee
Come in the stillness,
O Thou heavenly dew,
Come Thou to us - to me -
Revive and renew.
I'm discovering that there is strength in that quiet stillness of laying on my Father's chest. Unable to do anything else but be still and know He's God. Know He's with me. Know He's holding me. I'm finding peace in being silent in His perfect love, however weary my flesh may be for that particular moment.
I also came across a Henri Nouwen quote that goes along with this subject. I was challenged and encouraged by it.
"Let this time of tiredness
be a time of solitude
where you can recharge your life,
Where your wounds are oiled by Gilead,
your muscles massaged,
your courage renewed,
and your body nourished by My love."
Lord Jesus, even though there are moments when I feel hard pressed on every side, I am not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. I know it is so that the life of Jesus may be revealed through my body. (II Corinthians 4:8-10) Even though I am experiencing multiple losses in my life at this time, I see this as a new beginning of drawing me closer to you, Jesus. Help me to endure the pain with expectancy toward your promise of your perfecting work in me. Give me the stamina I need for today and courage to face tomorrow. Revive and renew me by Your love Father as I rest in You.
The Lord Your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
As I've laid in bed resting I've been reflecting on something I read last week by Amy Carmichael from her book Rose from Brier.
O, God, renew us in Thy love today,
For our tomorrow we have not a care,
Who blessed our yesterday
Will meet us there
But our today is all athirst for Thee
Come in the stillness,
O Thou heavenly dew,
Come Thou to us - to me -
Revive and renew.
I'm discovering that there is strength in that quiet stillness of laying on my Father's chest. Unable to do anything else but be still and know He's God. Know He's with me. Know He's holding me. I'm finding peace in being silent in His perfect love, however weary my flesh may be for that particular moment.
I also came across a Henri Nouwen quote that goes along with this subject. I was challenged and encouraged by it.
"Let this time of tiredness
be a time of solitude
where you can recharge your life,
Where your wounds are oiled by Gilead,
your muscles massaged,
your courage renewed,
and your body nourished by My love."
Lord Jesus, even though there are moments when I feel hard pressed on every side, I am not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. I know it is so that the life of Jesus may be revealed through my body. (II Corinthians 4:8-10) Even though I am experiencing multiple losses in my life at this time, I see this as a new beginning of drawing me closer to you, Jesus. Help me to endure the pain with expectancy toward your promise of your perfecting work in me. Give me the stamina I need for today and courage to face tomorrow. Revive and renew me by Your love Father as I rest in You.
The Lord Your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
Monday, May 25, 2009
Evidence of His Unfailing Love
Last week, I noticed a repetitive message occurring during my Bible reading from Psalm 117 & 118. There was an emphasis coming through about God's unfailing love, faithfulness and goodness that I could not ignore.
Psalm 117:2 says:
For he loves us with unfailing love; The Lord's faithfulness endures forever.
Psalm 118:1 & 29 say:
Give thanks to the Lord for he is good! His faithfulness endures forever!
I prayed that God would open my heart, ears, eyes and mind to His unfailing love and faithfulness to me so that I may praise Him more fully through this valley even though I many not "feel" thankful at times.
I jotted a list of my observations -
The day I buzzed off my hair, my sister, Deb traveled 240 miles round trip to make a special delivery of Blue Bunny ice cream and chocolate to console me as only a sister can.
I was given the opportunity to spend some one on one time with my precious granddaughter, Sydney. I enjoyed tender moments of holding her, feeding her, rocking her, going on a walk with she, her dad, my daughter & husband.
I received a beautiful spring bouquet of flowers from my brother, Bob who lives in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Just to remind me he loves me before I started chemo.
I received a caring phone call from my brother Randy to see how I was doing after my first round of chemo.
Our Japanese student friend, Nao, spent a couple nights with our family before she returned to Japan. She blessed me with her gift of music by playing our piano the afternoon before she left.
My husband, Rob took me shopping for fabric to make scarves so I'd be prepared before my hair fell out. He asked my mom if she'd cut & stitch them to size for my head and she lovingly did so in a quick turn around time.
My mom and sister visited on Mother's Day per my special request. I needed to spend some time be with these two special ladies on that day. We shopped for some flowers that afternoon together. My sister potted them and arranged them for my front entry way while my Mom weeded my garden.
We received a gift card for fuel from our church family, (Trinity Bible) to help with the fuel expense to and from Mayo Clinic.
I received the book, Rose from Brier by Amy Carmichael in the mail from a dear friend a few days before I started my 2nd round of chemo. What a blessing it was to read while I waited to meet with doctors at Mayo and during my chemo treatment.
A sister in Christ made me a few small loaves of gluten-free bread and delivered them to my home.
I had the pleasure of a visit from some long-time friends and neighbors one evening, who also brought me a supply of gluten-free crackers & bread to help combat the side effect of nausea from the chemotherapy.
My mother and father-in-law spent an afternoon with us and stocked my fridge with her homemade strawberry rhubarb jam. (One of my favorites) They also shared information about ginger helping combat nausea then shared some crystallized ginger with me.
My mother stayed with our daughter while I was at Mayo for a couple days. She never comes empty handed - she had a gerber daisy planter to put outside on our patio and homemade chicken noodle soup to put in my freezer so I could "graze" on it after my 2nd round of chemo. She tended to Erin's needs and managed our home as only a grandma can do. She made meals, washed laundry, pulled more weeds from my garden, dusted, vacuumed etc...
A sister in Christ, cleaned my kitchen and bathrooms thoroughly before I returned home from Mayo Clinic after my second round of chemo.
A dear friend and sister in Christ provided a meal for our family after my chemo treatment.
Heartfelt messages sent via email, U.S. postal, text message, voice mail at just the moment I needed to be encouraged. Reminders that me and my family are still being prayed for during this valley.
A faithful friend who has helped give rides to our daughter, Erin to and from school when need to be. Her smile and hug always lifts my spirit.
The laughter of our daughter, Erin spending time with her girl friend at out home gives me joy.
A faithful group of women I can regularly pray with on a weekly basis.
A gorgeous, pink begonia left at my door step from a dear sister in Christ with a note saying, "May the beauty of these flowers lift your spirit to the Lord of Life."
Wow! My heart overflows with gratefulness. As I look over this list (that is certainly not exhaustive) I am in awe of Your loving kindness, tender care, unfailing love and faithfulness to me through others. Lord I ask that You bless each and every one of them in a double portion for their tender acts of love, mercy and compassion to me and my family. Lord, Jesus thank you for giving me a fresh perspective. For helping me see and to choose to praise you in spite of how I may feel physically or emotionally. I praise you Jesus for who You are - a faithful, loving, good Father. For what You do and what You give - blessings from above in tangible ways through others. May I never forget how simple acts of kindness done in Your name bless others profoundly. Thank you precious Lord, Jesus.
Hebrews 13:15-16 - Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that confess His name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.
Psalm 117:2 says:
For he loves us with unfailing love; The Lord's faithfulness endures forever.
Psalm 118:1 & 29 say:
Give thanks to the Lord for he is good! His faithfulness endures forever!
I prayed that God would open my heart, ears, eyes and mind to His unfailing love and faithfulness to me so that I may praise Him more fully through this valley even though I many not "feel" thankful at times.
I jotted a list of my observations -
The day I buzzed off my hair, my sister, Deb traveled 240 miles round trip to make a special delivery of Blue Bunny ice cream and chocolate to console me as only a sister can.
I was given the opportunity to spend some one on one time with my precious granddaughter, Sydney. I enjoyed tender moments of holding her, feeding her, rocking her, going on a walk with she, her dad, my daughter & husband.
I received a beautiful spring bouquet of flowers from my brother, Bob who lives in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Just to remind me he loves me before I started chemo.
I received a caring phone call from my brother Randy to see how I was doing after my first round of chemo.
Our Japanese student friend, Nao, spent a couple nights with our family before she returned to Japan. She blessed me with her gift of music by playing our piano the afternoon before she left.
My husband, Rob took me shopping for fabric to make scarves so I'd be prepared before my hair fell out. He asked my mom if she'd cut & stitch them to size for my head and she lovingly did so in a quick turn around time.
My mom and sister visited on Mother's Day per my special request. I needed to spend some time be with these two special ladies on that day. We shopped for some flowers that afternoon together. My sister potted them and arranged them for my front entry way while my Mom weeded my garden.
We received a gift card for fuel from our church family, (Trinity Bible) to help with the fuel expense to and from Mayo Clinic.
I received the book, Rose from Brier by Amy Carmichael in the mail from a dear friend a few days before I started my 2nd round of chemo. What a blessing it was to read while I waited to meet with doctors at Mayo and during my chemo treatment.
A sister in Christ made me a few small loaves of gluten-free bread and delivered them to my home.
I had the pleasure of a visit from some long-time friends and neighbors one evening, who also brought me a supply of gluten-free crackers & bread to help combat the side effect of nausea from the chemotherapy.
My mother and father-in-law spent an afternoon with us and stocked my fridge with her homemade strawberry rhubarb jam. (One of my favorites) They also shared information about ginger helping combat nausea then shared some crystallized ginger with me.
My mother stayed with our daughter while I was at Mayo for a couple days. She never comes empty handed - she had a gerber daisy planter to put outside on our patio and homemade chicken noodle soup to put in my freezer so I could "graze" on it after my 2nd round of chemo. She tended to Erin's needs and managed our home as only a grandma can do. She made meals, washed laundry, pulled more weeds from my garden, dusted, vacuumed etc...
A sister in Christ, cleaned my kitchen and bathrooms thoroughly before I returned home from Mayo Clinic after my second round of chemo.
A dear friend and sister in Christ provided a meal for our family after my chemo treatment.
Heartfelt messages sent via email, U.S. postal, text message, voice mail at just the moment I needed to be encouraged. Reminders that me and my family are still being prayed for during this valley.
A faithful friend who has helped give rides to our daughter, Erin to and from school when need to be. Her smile and hug always lifts my spirit.
The laughter of our daughter, Erin spending time with her girl friend at out home gives me joy.
A faithful group of women I can regularly pray with on a weekly basis.
A gorgeous, pink begonia left at my door step from a dear sister in Christ with a note saying, "May the beauty of these flowers lift your spirit to the Lord of Life."
Wow! My heart overflows with gratefulness. As I look over this list (that is certainly not exhaustive) I am in awe of Your loving kindness, tender care, unfailing love and faithfulness to me through others. Lord I ask that You bless each and every one of them in a double portion for their tender acts of love, mercy and compassion to me and my family. Lord, Jesus thank you for giving me a fresh perspective. For helping me see and to choose to praise you in spite of how I may feel physically or emotionally. I praise you Jesus for who You are - a faithful, loving, good Father. For what You do and what You give - blessings from above in tangible ways through others. May I never forget how simple acts of kindness done in Your name bless others profoundly. Thank you precious Lord, Jesus.
Hebrews 13:15-16 - Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that confess His name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
At my first chemo treatment, my oncologist went over the side effects of the chemotherapy drugs she warned me that one of the side effects from adriamycin is hair loss. It was at the top of the list. She said I could expect my hair to fall out approximately 14 days after my initial chemo treatment.
Sure enough, just as she predicted, my hair started falling out more excessively 14 days later.
Thankfully, (with a nudge from my husband, because I had been fighting denial) I scheduled an appointment with my beautician to come to our home on that 14 day marker. My initial hope was that I'd only have to cut it shorter then buzz it off the next time. That wasn't meant to be.
On that morning of the 14th day, after I'd showered and went through my usual morning routine of dressing, drying and styling my hair, putting on my makeup, etc. I thought I'm going to see what will happen if I gently clasp my fingers around my hair at the nape of my neck and gently pull. I wanted to see how much might come out because I'd been noticing for several days it had been falling out more and more, as well as my skelp was feeling tingly. I wasn't terribly surprised when the hair came out with ease. I clasped some more hair between my fingers at the nape of my neck and did it several more times until I covered the basin of the sink with my hair as evidence to show my husband, daughter and beautician that today was the day my hair would be going.
I called my husband and daughter into the bathroom to show them the hair in the sink. We all stood in a daze, then we embraced one another, shared tears of sorrow. Sorrow of having to walk through this and recognizing yet another level of reality sinking in about the path yet before us.
An hour later, my beautician showed up at our home. I took her to the bathroom to show her the hair in the sink. She said if it's coming out that easily it will only be a matter of a couple days and it will all be falling out in clumps. She hugged me with tear filled eyes and reassured me that it will grow back.
We got the dining room set up as a temporary salon. Placed a drop cloth under my chair and positioned me in front of a mirror we have in the dining room so I could watch the progression of my hair being cut shorter. She cut it off in stages. Little by little my graying, blond locks dropped to the floor and the clipper heads were changed numerous times. When I got to the butch hair cut I had to make sure I got a photo for our son, Derek because he said to me the day before, "It's not every day you and I will have the same haircut, Mom!" Our daughter looked on in sadness with tears rolling down her face. I looked into the mirror in wonder, laughing, smiling, joking about the various hair styles I've had in times past when I was a child - the dreaded pixie and shags!
I'm still not use to passing by a mirror and seeing myself without the center piece of my appearance gone. I can say, it sure saves a lot of time getting ready in the morning! I'm learning to style and wear a wig and experimenting with hats and scarves as a new form of assessory. My favorite hat so far is one my husband bought for me. It's a lavendar, baseball type cap that says, "Life is Good!" I actually believe, "Life is Hard, but God IS good!" I think this cap may become a "signature" as I walk through this phase of my treatment.
Lord Jesus, I am amazed at the grace You poured out upon me for this very day that I had been dreading and hoping wouldn't happen. I lay my appearance before Your throne of grace. Thank You for teaching through this experience the meaning of true beauty. As You say in Your Word (I Peter 3:3-4), You desire the inner beauty of a gentle, quiet spirit which is of great worth in Your sight. I ask You to carve that into my heart, mind and soul in a deeper level than You ever have before. Peal away the vanity and pride in me by Your loving and patient ways, so that I may glorify You more fully. In Jesus Name, I ask this. AMEN.
Sure enough, just as she predicted, my hair started falling out more excessively 14 days later.
Thankfully, (with a nudge from my husband, because I had been fighting denial) I scheduled an appointment with my beautician to come to our home on that 14 day marker. My initial hope was that I'd only have to cut it shorter then buzz it off the next time. That wasn't meant to be.
On that morning of the 14th day, after I'd showered and went through my usual morning routine of dressing, drying and styling my hair, putting on my makeup, etc. I thought I'm going to see what will happen if I gently clasp my fingers around my hair at the nape of my neck and gently pull. I wanted to see how much might come out because I'd been noticing for several days it had been falling out more and more, as well as my skelp was feeling tingly. I wasn't terribly surprised when the hair came out with ease. I clasped some more hair between my fingers at the nape of my neck and did it several more times until I covered the basin of the sink with my hair as evidence to show my husband, daughter and beautician that today was the day my hair would be going.
I called my husband and daughter into the bathroom to show them the hair in the sink. We all stood in a daze, then we embraced one another, shared tears of sorrow. Sorrow of having to walk through this and recognizing yet another level of reality sinking in about the path yet before us.
An hour later, my beautician showed up at our home. I took her to the bathroom to show her the hair in the sink. She said if it's coming out that easily it will only be a matter of a couple days and it will all be falling out in clumps. She hugged me with tear filled eyes and reassured me that it will grow back.
We got the dining room set up as a temporary salon. Placed a drop cloth under my chair and positioned me in front of a mirror we have in the dining room so I could watch the progression of my hair being cut shorter. She cut it off in stages. Little by little my graying, blond locks dropped to the floor and the clipper heads were changed numerous times. When I got to the butch hair cut I had to make sure I got a photo for our son, Derek because he said to me the day before, "It's not every day you and I will have the same haircut, Mom!" Our daughter looked on in sadness with tears rolling down her face. I looked into the mirror in wonder, laughing, smiling, joking about the various hair styles I've had in times past when I was a child - the dreaded pixie and shags!
I'm still not use to passing by a mirror and seeing myself without the center piece of my appearance gone. I can say, it sure saves a lot of time getting ready in the morning! I'm learning to style and wear a wig and experimenting with hats and scarves as a new form of assessory. My favorite hat so far is one my husband bought for me. It's a lavendar, baseball type cap that says, "Life is Good!" I actually believe, "Life is Hard, but God IS good!" I think this cap may become a "signature" as I walk through this phase of my treatment.
Lord Jesus, I am amazed at the grace You poured out upon me for this very day that I had been dreading and hoping wouldn't happen. I lay my appearance before Your throne of grace. Thank You for teaching through this experience the meaning of true beauty. As You say in Your Word (I Peter 3:3-4), You desire the inner beauty of a gentle, quiet spirit which is of great worth in Your sight. I ask You to carve that into my heart, mind and soul in a deeper level than You ever have before. Peal away the vanity and pride in me by Your loving and patient ways, so that I may glorify You more fully. In Jesus Name, I ask this. AMEN.
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