Closing Prayer for 2009

During the church service we attended this morning at Trinity Bible in Cedar Falls, Iowa, our Pastor, John Miller prayed this prayer from 'The Book of Uncommon Prayer' by Joseph Parker. As my husband & I held hands with heads bowed listening to the words in reverence, we cried together. After the service, Rob approached Pastor John for a copy of the prayer because it summed up so perfectly how the Lord has led us through this difficult year by His infinite grace and mercy.

Almighty God, just as we began the year in your name and in your strength, so we close it to your praise. You’ve done great things for us, and because of that, we’re glad. You’ve led us by a way that we knew not and by paths we had not known.

You’ve been eyes to the blind, and feet to the lame. You’ve cared for us with all the tender care of love. You have not forsaken us even for a moment. With everlasting mercies you’ve surrounded us and made us strong. When we feared, we heard the voice of Christ. When we wondered what would happen, you sent strength and peace.

Because of You, we can trust the Lord with our whole heart, and we need take no more care of our own life that we may save it. He that saves his life shall lose it, and he that loses his life in the love of Christ shall find it.

God, give us the gift of faith, so that we may believe all of this holy testimony, and so that we might conduct our life along these sacred lines.

We want to be quiet, resigned, perfectly tranquil. We want to rest in the Lord and wait patiently for him, and as for our heart’s desire we know that You will grant it to us.

You’ve led us by ways that startled us, and you’ve brought us right up to cliffs that have terrified us, yet by your good hand you’ve set us in Your house, given us a new song, and caused our face to be turned towards heaven.

In our houses we’ve seen You. You’ve laid bread on our table, common when we touch it, but sacramental when you break it and give it to us. By Your grace, we have not eaten it carelessly, neither for physical sustenance nor for spiritual.

God, this year is nearly over and it will soon vanish. God be merciful to us sinners. Where we’ve done wrong, let the time past be enough to bring it to an end.

Give us consciousness of your love—not so much to throw us into despair, but enough to lead to the cross where all sin may be forgiven. If we’ve done anything in your strength and in the interest of your kingdom, may You be praised for the opportunity and for the power.

If we’ve been unkind to one another let all bitterness and wrath, and anger and clamor cease now. Help us to love our enemies that we may forgive them. Give us confidence in You, increase our love toward the cross, and rule us more completely by the ministry of your Holy Spirit.

Grant all men wisdom, direction, comfort in sorrow; and show them where the fountain of life is. Help your followers to withdraw often to be refreshed by the rest and the communion that are found in Christ. Be in our lives—each one of us.

Our time on earth is a dwindling quantity, and yet our eternity in heaven is still endless because of Christ. Help us to live the rest of our time here in pureness and gentleness and usefulness, and may men take knowledge of us that we have been with Jesus and learned of Him.

Be in our homes and make them habitations of the just; go with us into our workplaces and into our cities and into our culture that we may keep a wise and understanding heart amid all the temptation and distraction of this world.

In the time of sorrow may we show Christian confidence, and in the hour of loss may we be enabled to fall back upon the riches that we treasure in Christ Jesus.

Hear your servants in these things. These supplications and praises are poured out at the foot the cross. Send us answers of peace. In Christ’s name I pray.

Adapted from: 'The Book of Uncommon Prayer: Joseph Parker’s Pulpit Pleadings.'

What Faith Can Do

My theme song for 2009. Thanks to all who responded to my request in January to join my "mustard seed" faith group who would pray for me & my family's behalf as I faced cancer.

Matthew 17:20 - He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

Philippians 1:19-20 - for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.




What Faith Can Do Lyrics

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

2009 Christmas Greeting

I decided to post our Christmas greeting on the blog because it's impossible to thank all of the people who have carried us through this difficult year.

Cancer touched our family personally and has made for a long year. First, my diagnosis of breast cancer in February, then Rob's Dad passed away just days after learning he had cancer in August. We grieve Bob's absence in our lives, but we are thankful he is in heaven where there is no more suffering.

We have learned to treasure each day as a gift. Birthdays and anniversaries had deeper meaning to us this year.

In June, we celebrated our granddaughter's first birthday with lots of laughter watching her eat her birthday cake by the handfuls.

Rob & I celebrated 18 years of marriage in July. We learned it's true about looking more like your spouse the longer you're together. Rob reminded me on my birthday that "bald was the new blond."

We had the privilege of caring for our granddaughter, Sydney the weekend of Derek & Ali's 2nd wedding anniversary. We understand the meaning of grandchildren; our moments with Sydney are definitely GRAND.

I managed to pull one over on Rob with a surprise party for his BIG 4-0!!! He wore my blonde wig at the party and found out that blondes really do have more fun.

November, Derek's birthday wish came true, the Yankees won the World Series. Erin turned 14 the day before Thanksgiving and is anxious to put her driver's permit to use.

My motto this year has been, "Life is hard, but God is good." Yes, it's been difficult, but God has given us SO MUCH to celebrate and be thankful for. Your love, encouragement and prayers have carried us through. Our hearts are overwhelmed with gratitude. THANK YOU!

We pray you will experience PEACE not as the world gives. (John 14:27)Your HEALTH will be restored and your wounds healed. (Jeremiah 30:17) You will have HOPE because the Lord's compassions are new every morning. (Lamentations 3:21-23)You will have FAITH as small as a mustard seed that can move mountains. (Matthew 17:20) You will have COURAGE because the Lord is with you. (Deuteronomy 31:8)You will grasp how wide, how long, how deep the LOVE of Jesus is for you. (Ephesians 3:18-19)

Merry Christmas!



Emmanuel by Laura Story, C.F. Alexander. A new, favorite Christmas song for me this year. Lyrics below:

Once in royal David's city
stood a lowly cattle shed,
where a mother laid her baby
in a manger bed:

Mary was that mother mild,
Jesus Christ her little child.

Chorus:
Emmanuel
The promise kept
Its longing of my heart for God in flesh
Through this child, all earth is blessed
Emmanuel

He came down to earth from heaven,
who is God and Lord of all,
and his shelter was a stable,
and his cradle was a stall;
with the poor, the scorned, the lowly,
lived on earth our Savior holy.

Bridge:
Our answered prayer
Our faith’s reward
Redemption’s near
Redemption’s here

Alt Chorus:
Emmanuel
We will rejoice
We will worship you, our Savior and our Lord
We will join creation’s voice
Emmanuel

The Fight for Hope Over Despair

This is a powerful picture and message of the fight for hope over despair in the battle against cancer. I could completely identify with it. Have your kleenex handy.

Permission to Weep

In recent days it's been difficult for me to keep on, keeping on. I've been very "weepy." I've cried tears of grief, tears of joy, tears of weariness and tears of gratitude - all wrapped up in one peculiar package.

I find comfort from God's Word about weeping from an excerpt I read recently from 'Beside Still Waters,' written by C.H. Spurgeon. In John 11, it speaks of Lazarus' death, but Jesus was going to raise him. (John 11:11) Lazarus' resurrection was at hand, yet Jesus wept. (John 11:35) Jesus knew that Lazarus' death was for God's glory. He said, "This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God may be glorified through it." (John 11:4) Still, He wept.

Have you ever thought it wrong to weep at a loss. I have. It is not wrong. It if were, Jesus would not have wept under similar circumstances. Tears, have free admission into the realm of holiness because "Jesus wept."

Friends, we may weep because "Jesus wept." He wept with the full knowledge of Lazarus' happiness, with full knowledge of his resurrection, with firm assurance that God was glorified through this death. We may not condemn what Christ allows. If we can weep, thank God. If we can weep and know that we are in His presence, then our weeping is not sinful. Let tears roll in floods. This is good instruction.

May the Holy Spirit teach us. May the Lord write it on every weeper's heart. We may weep because "Jesus wept." (John 11:35)

Even though today, I weep because this "sickness" called breast cancer is taking it's toll on me. Yet I also weep tears of joy because He's healing me and carrying me every step of the way. I weep with weariness and gratitude tied together with awe of the immense love, care and encouragement He continues to pour out upon me through so many people. I may weep, because "Jesus wept." (John 11:35)

The More I Seek

Over the course of this year, in my distress, I have turned to the the Lord. He has been so incredibly near to me. The more I seek Him, the more I find Him, the more I find Him, the more I love Him.

This year I've been set aside to focus on my health and many days have felt useless. Yet, I've discovered the richness of my salvation in Jesus, the joy of His constant, unconditional love in a deeper more profound way than ever before.

Too often I have judged myself based on how I look, behave and feel. I've felt unworthy of love much of my life. If I liked what I saw in the mirror or if things in my life were going smoothly or my "performance" seemed "adequate" I found it easier to believe I was loved and accepted.

As I've rested in the presence of the Lord for several months, I've come to realize that He loves me as I am, not for what I "do" or look like. He desires me to stop judging myself and "fixing" myself, so that I will be accepted or loved by people. He wants me to redirect my thoughts to see myself clothed in His righteousness, radiant in His perfect love. Not by ANYTHING I can do, but by His incomparable richness of grace, love and mercy - all free gifts from Him.

He is teaching me to release my idol of approval of man for the Lord's affirmation that is not dependent upon achievement or outward appearance. He is reminding me to be at peace with the way He has created me. My ultimate purpose on this earth is to love and worship Him. It seems too simple, yet so complex. From the overflow of my love and devotion to Him I can love others more freely without fear of rejection.

While my body continues to heal from the scars of cancer and emotional wounds, I am to be still, rest in His presence, cease striving, relax. That is so counter cultural, our society defines our "value" if we're busy, striving, doing more to prove our worth.

Lord, thank you for drawing near to me as I've drawn nearer to You. Your love is so deep, it's more that I can understand. I melt in your peace. It's overwhelming.


Deuteronomy 4:29-31 But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon you...

Grieved

The apostle Paul wrote, "Though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials" (I Peter 1:6). Not only do we have various trials, they also grieve and depress us. It happens to the best of God's servants. I know several people who love the Lord, and the Lord loves them. They are precious to Him. They are humble, gentle, and gracious people, but they have come into deep trouble or some heavy cloud rests upon them. It is especially to these individuals that I write.

Dear troubled friends, you may have grief or sorrow that is not known to anybody. You od not want to reveal it. You would not whisper it to the dearest confidant that you have on earth. You keep it to yourself. Perhaps this is the reason that it becomes so bitter. Communicating to some Christian friend might be a real help. There is relief in shedding tears when you are in great anguish. If you can have a good cry, you can get over the trouble more readily.

Yet sometimes you cannot find expression for grief and the pent-up flame becomes more fierce. If you have a grief that you cannot tell to any human being, let me affectionately invite you to look to Jesus. Tell the Lord all about your sorrow, and ask Him to give you help in your time of need. Whatever it is, tell it to Him. As surely as Jesus lives, He will hear and answer, and you will go your way in peace.

I do not know the details of your situation. "The heart knows its own bitterness, and a stranger does not share its joy" (Proverbs 14:10. There are depths and there are heights where we must be by ourselves. Do not be surprised if, as far as human beings are concerned, you sometimes have to sail alone. BUT if Christ is in the vessel, you cannot be in better company. You're NOT ALONE.

Excerpt from 'Beside Still Waters' by C.H. Spurgeon, Edited by Roy H. Clark

I Peter 1:6-7 - In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.

My Father

My dear friends, remember that you have a Father in heaven. When all is gone and spent, you can still say, "My Father." Your relatives may be gone, but your Father lives. Friends may leave, just as the birds fly south for the winter, but you are not alone because the Father is with you. Cling to this blessed promise, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5) In every moment of distress, anxiety and perplexity, you have a Father on whose wisdom, truth, and power you can rely.

If your children have needs, they go to you. If they have questions, they ask you. If they are ill-treated, they appeal to you. If a thorn is in their finger, they run to you for relief. Little or great, your children's sorrows are your concern. This makes their life easier, and it should make our lives easier if we acted as God's children. Imitate Jesus. In your Gethsemane, pray as He did, "O My Father" (Matthew 26:42). This is a better defense than shield or sword. Jesus' resource was to approach the Father with prevailing prayer.

There are times when, moved by the Holy Spirit, we pray with a power of faith that can never fail at the mercy seat. Without this impulse, we must not push our will. There are many occasions when, if we had all the faith to move mountains, we would choose wisely if only by saying, "Your will be done." (Matthew 26:42)

Prayer is always an open door. There is no predicament in which you cannot pray. If, like Jonah, you are at the bottom of the ocean and the weeds are wrapped around your head, you may still pray. If you are between the jaws of the lion, you may still pray. Prayer is a weapon that can be used in every position and every conflict. Do not look to the arm of flesh (II Chronicles 32:8), but look to the Lord your God.

Excerpt from 'Beside Still Waters' C.H. Spurgeon, Edited by Roy H. Clarke.

Lord, Have Mercy

When pain goes through you again until the tears unwillingly fall from your eyes, pray this prayer, "Lord, have mercy on me."

Psalm 41:3-4 says, The Lord will sustain him on his sickbed and restore him from his bed of illness. I said, "O Lord, have mercy on me; heal me..."

I have found when medicine fails, or when sleep is chased away, or when pain becomes unbearable, it is good to appeal directly to God. Say, "Lord, I am Your child. Did You not say, 'As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him?" (Psalm 103:13) Therefore, "Lord, have mercy on me."

When hurting with pain of any sort, you may find quiet resignation, holy patience and childlike submission will enable you to pray this simple prayer, "Lord, have mercy on me." This often brings better relief than anything that the most skilled physician can prescribe. You are permitted and encouraged to look up into Your Heavenly Father's face and say, "Lord, have mercy on me."

Paraphrased from an excerpt titled, 'Be Merciful' from the book titled, 'Beside Still Waters' by C.H. Spurgeon, Edited by Roy H. Clarke.

Nothing but the Blood

I love the rendition of this old hymn, "Nothing but the Blood, by Jadon Lavik. Listen to the profound truth in these lyrics.

Identified with Christ

This week I had a "risk reduction" surgery on November 5th at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. It included a left mastectomy and a right mastectomy revision. It was recommended that I have more margin removed around my former tumor to reduce the risks of recurrence and my left breast removed to reduce the risk of cancer in that breast. Given my various stats, I am high risk for recurrence. It was highly recommended that I take this next course of action.

Yesterday morning, while I was waiting for doctors to come into evaluate me and determine if I could be released from the hospital a scripture reference came to my mind. I asked Rob, what scripture reference is this?

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me."

Rob said, "I believe it's Galatians 2:20 or II Corinthians 5:17."

My next thought was the position I laid during surgery. During a mastectomy surgery your arms are spread horizontally on the operating table like Jesus' were on the cross. This struck me as a new identifier with Christ, my Savior and Lord.

This morning, I looked up Galatians 2:20 in my Bible. Sure enough, that was the scripture reference that was brought to my mind yesterday morning. Today I'm reflecting on what it means to be "crucified with Christ."

Below is an excerpt from a Matthew Henry commentary that gives an excellent description of the mysterious life of a believer in Jesus:

[1.] He is crucified, and yet he lives; the old man is crucified (Rom 6:6), but the new man is living; he is dead to the world, and dead to the law, and yet alive to God and Christ; sin is mortified, and grace quickened.

[2.] He lives, and yet not he. This is strange: I live, and yet not I; he lives in the exercise of grace; he has the comforts and the triumphs of grace; and yet that grace is not from himself, but from another. Believers see themselves living in a state of dependence.

[3.] He is crucified with Christ, and yet Christ lives in him; this results from his mystical union with Christ, by means of which he is interested in the death of Christ, so as by virtue of that to die unto sin; and yet interested in the life of Christ, so as by virtue of that to live unto God.

[4.] He lives in the flesh, and yet lives by faith; to outward appearance he lives as other people do, his natural life is supported as others are; yet he has a higher and nobler principle that supports and actuates him, that of faith in Christ, and especially as eyeing the wonders of his love in giving himself for him. Hence it is that, though he lives in the flesh, yet he does not live after the flesh. Note, those who have true faith live by that faith; and the great thing which faith fastens upon is Christ's loving us and giving himself for us. The great evidence of Christ's loving us is his giving himself for us; and this is that which we are chiefly concerned to mix faith with, in order to our living to him.


Father, thank you for this identifier with you - being crucified with Christ, so that I may live in you and for you. Through you alone, I live and have eternal hope. You are the soul of my soul. I live for you, Lord Jesus. This life I live by faith in the Son of God, believing in Christ as the sacrifice for my sin. Thank you for your sacrificial love. The One who gave himself up for me, that I may be saved from the bitter pains of eternal death. I praise you for this intimate, myterious union with Christ that I might know you more fully, Lord, the power of Your resurrection and the fellowship of Your sufferings. Lord, I live for You, the One who redeemed me by Your Son's precious blood. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

In ALL Things He Works

I read this quote by Kay Arthur this morning, "At the cross we can look beyond the pain and disappointment to the end result: the promise that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose - and only the cross can conform us into His image."

After I read that, I reflected back to 1988 when I claimed the promise from Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to His purpose." In 1988, I was divorced, bankrupt and a single mother. I cried out to Him in desperation, to forgive me of my sinfulness and asked Him to be my Lord and Savior. I claimed that promise from His Word that He'd take my messed up life and turn it into good for His glory, some day, some way.

In 20 years, I can see how He's done this very thing in my life repeatedly. Romans 8:28 has become what I like to call my "life verse." It gives me hope that no matter how bad things may seem, He can use it for good beyond my imagination for HIS purpose - not to make me comfortable or happy, but so I may know Him more fully and acquire more of His character.

In this passage of Scripture, the apostle Paul does not say, "We know that some things or most things, but ALL things work for good. From the smallest to the most monumental, from mundane to crisis moments. ALL of them work - not have worked or will work, but are presently at work. He weaves this tapestry together to create a harmonious pattern He desires for His glory and His purpose so that we will reflect His son, Jesus.

As George Mueller said, "In one thousand trials it is not five hundred of them that work for the believer's good, but nine hundred and ninety-nine of them, and one beside."

In the midst of a year with multiple losses, I embrace the cross, my hope in Christ. My hope in His life at work in me and through me for His good purpose for eternity.

Waiting with Expectation

This morning I read Isaiah 65:24 (New Living Translation) that says:

I will answer them before they even call to me.
While they are still talking about their needs.
I will go ahead and answer their prayers!

I was so encouraged by this promise of answered prayer today, that also tied into the devotional I read from 'Pearls of Great Price,' by Joni Eareckson Tada. She writes:

"If God answers your prayer immediately, be thankful; if it's denied, be patient; if you are to wait, remain eager and expectant. He invites us to have an expectant attitude when we pray. He wants us to be hopeful and eager - even if the answer is delayed for twenty years! Why such a delay? Only God knows."

Lord, Jesus, as You increase my devotion to prayer. I thank you that You hear my voice even before I speak. Help me to trust You, as I wait for Your reply. Give me an expectant heart as I wait eagerly for Your answer. Help me to watchful and thankful as I wait just as it says in Psalm 5:3 - In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

I find it no coincidence this morning that the song playing in my head is "Give Me Jesus," by Fernando Ortega. As I searched on youtube.com for the song, there is a tribute to Ruth Graham with this song. A tribute to a woman of God, a woman of faith, a woman of prayer. Thank you Lord, for her example on this earth.

Colossians 4:2 - Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.

A Sure Foundation

This morning when I sat down to have breakfast I read the passage on the flip calendar sitting on my kitchen table. It said -

"There is no other foundation than God's Word, Beloved! No other is needed, because the Word of God is totally sufficient. If you will embrace the Word of God and bring every dilemma and lay it at the feet of God's Word, then you'll find yourself, like Habbakkuk, walking with hinds' feet and not slipping." - Kay Arthur

The Lord God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet, and makes me walk on my high places. Habakkuk 3:19

Once I finished my breakfast I decided to spend some time reading all of Habakkuk chapter 3. The verses that were significant to me this morning were 17-19 where it reads:

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, YET I WILL rejoice in the Lord, I WILL be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights." (NIV)

In my footnotes it says: "Crop failure and the death of animals would devastate Judah. But Habakkuk affirmed that even in the times of starvation and loss, he would still rejoice in the Lord. Habbakkuk's feelings were not controlled by the events around him, but by faith in God's ability to give him strength. When nothing makes sense, and when troubles seem more than you can bear, remember God gives strength. Take your eyes off your difficulties and look to God.

God will give his followers surefooted confidence through difficult times. They will run like deer across rough and dangerous terrain. At the proper time, God will bring about his justice and completely rid the world of evil. In the meantime, God's people need to live in the strength of his Spirit, confident in his ultimate victory over evil.

Habakkuk saw his own limitations in contrast to God's unlimited control of all the world's events. God is alive and in control of the world and its events. We cannot see all that God is doing, and we cannot see all God will do. But we can be assured that he is God and will do what is right. Knowing this can give us confidence and hope in a confusing world."

Lord God, thank you for the sure foundation of your Word that is totally sufficient. Thank you that when life's circumstances are uncertain and shaky you are the Rock on which I stand - firm and secure. Lord Jesus, forgive me when I give into my feelings and look at circumstances that appear hopeless. Help me to fix my eyes on You, the author and perfecter of my faith and praise you in all things. Call to mind the certain hope I have in You my Savior, who IS my strength. Fill my heart with joy because of that truth. Make it overflow. In Jesus name, Amen.

My Joy, My Song

Today I was awakened at 5:30 a.m., I drug myself out of bed and met with the Lord. I opened up the ‘Jesus Calling’ devotional and the first Scripture reference was from Exodus 15. I ended up reading all of chapter 15. I felt led to share with you what was laid upon my heart after reading it.

First of all, Exodus 15 is a song of Moses and Miriam. It is a song celebrating God’s victory – lifting hearts and voices outward and upward. After being delivered from great danger, they sang with JOY!

The chapter starts and ends with – “Sing to the Lord for he is highly exalted. The horse and its rider has hurled into the sea.” Let’s sing praises all day today because of the victory we HAVE in Christ. He has overcome. He has hurled the enemy (small e) into the sea.

V9-10
“The enemy boasted, ‘I will pursue, I will overtake them, I will divide the spoils, I will gorge myself on them. I will draw my sword and my hand will destroy them.’
BUT You blew with your breath, and the sea covered them. They sank like lead in the mighty waters.

JESUS IS VICTORIOUS.

v20-21
Then Miriam, the prophetess, Aaron's sister, took a tambourine in her hand, and all the women followed her, with tambourines and dancing. Miriam sang to them: "Sing to the Lord, for he is highly exalted. The horse and its rider he has hurled into the sea."

Jesus is my joy and my song.

Turn my Mourning into Dancing

This has been a year of grief. A year of multiple losses at so many levels. But the Lord has been so near to my grieving heart. As it says in Isaiah 61:3 -

"and provide for those who grieve in Zion -
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."

He's in the process of rebuilding, restoring and renewing me so that my sorrow may be transformed into beauty, gladness and praise of Him. Everlasting joy is mine through Jesus Christ alone.

The chorus of the song, 'Our Great God' has been stuck in my head since last night.

Hallelujah!
Glory be to our great God!
Hallelujah!
Glory be to our great God!

Join me in praising Him. He's SO WORTHY to be praised!

Pray with me that He will turn my mourning into dancing.
Make it so, Lord. Make it so.

Poems from a Friend

The Lord brought a new friend into my life recently. Today, she shared two poems she's personally written. I asked her if I could post them on my blog because they speak the words I have wrestled with all year.


Even

I will trust You
Even with yesterdays that are broken
And tomorrows that are uncertain
And todays that bear a weight
My shoulders can't stand.

I will surrender
Even with shaky hands stretched high
Having failed this task before
Feeling sweet release to tired bones
Holding on too tight for too long

I will kneel
Even when the world tells me to stand
Or my fearful heart tells me to run
Or my pride tells me to take control

I will pray
Even with no immediate answers
Or no exact reasons
Or no time-line laid out in perfect sequence

I will hope.
Even when it "feels"
Like there is none
Knowing that feelings deceive and
You are Truth.

I will believe
Even when it's hard
And I don't understand
Or I can't see what
You could possibly be doing here

Even Now
In the midst of doing life
I choose to do it in You
And for You.

E.R. 8-09


I Don't Understand

I don’t understand
But I guess I don’t have to…
To know that You are
Good and
Kind and
Just and
Faithful.

I don’t understand
But I guess I don’t have to…
To be held in Your arms
Quieted with Your love
Transformed by Your Word
And taken by Your Presence

I don’t understand
But I guess I don’t have to…
To walk with You
Remain in You
Believe in You
And be strengthened by You.

I don’t understand
But I guess I don’t have to…
To trust in Your
Promises,
Purposes,
Plans, and
Precepts.

I don’t understand
But I guess I don’t have to…
To step in Faith
Holding Your hand
Knowing the hurt today
Will lead to a Glory
That surpasses all
Understanding tomorrow.

E.R. 06-09

Beauty

Who is this woman in the mirror?

Her body has changed.
Her hair is gone.
Her skin is dry and pasty white.
Dark circles appear under her eyes.

Her physical appearance
is no longer the essence
of who she is.

Change her
from the inside out.

Create in her
lasting beauty.

Make her radiant
for His glory.

Inner Beauty

Being a woman who likes to look good, it's been difficult to look in the mirror and see a reflection that appears so different. It is only by God's abundant grace I have been able to face the big physical strikes against my femininity and the abrupt changes in my life. He has given me strength, courage and boldness that only He can give. He is with me to face the challenges and the changes that are happening.

I feel far from beautiful when I look in the mirror and see the affects this disease has had on my body, but I must remember it is not the essence of who I am. Fortunately, the Word of God reminds me that God sees beyond the scars of cancer. He looks at my heart. There is a deeper beauty that I cannot control or manipulate that He is in the process of creating IN me as I surrender my heart, mind and soul to Him. He is the only one who can make me beautiful from the inside out, because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross.

There are days it's hard to remember that, as I look in the mirror, because our world is so focused on outward appearance. I pray that He will help me focus on the inner work He's doing, not what cancer has done to my physical body.

He says in Psalm 35:4 that those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. May Jesus help me shine because of His work IN me, which is far more important and lasting than my physical appearance.


I Peter 3:3-4 - Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

Being Watchful for Desert Blossoms

When we don't receive what we pray for or desire, it doesn't mean that God isn't acting on our behalf. Rather, he's weaving his story. Paul tells us in Colossians 4:2, "Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving." Thanksgiving helps us to be grace-centered, seeing all of life as a gift. It looks at how God's past blessings impact our lives. Watchfulness alerts us to the unfolding drama in the present. It looks for God's present working as it unfolds into future grace.

Watch for the story God is weaving in your life. Don't leave the desert. Corrie ten Boom's father often reminded her, "The best is yet to come."

Excerpt from 'The Praying Life,' by Paul E. Miller

Please pray that I would devote myself to prayer, being watchful for desert blossoms, with a heart full of gratitude and lips that would praise Him.

Thriving in the Desert

The hardest part of being in the desert is that there is no way out. You don't know when it will end. There is no relief in sight.

A desert can be almost anything. It can be a child who has gone astray, a difficult boss, or even your own sin or foolishness. Maybe you married your desert.

God customizes deserts for each of us. Joseph's desert is being betrayed and forgotten in an Egyptian jail. Moses lives in the Midian desert as an outcast for forty years. The Israelites live in the desert for forty years. David runs from Saul in the desert. All of them hold on to the hope of God's Word yet face the reality of their situations.

The theme of the desert is so strong in the Scripture that Jesus reenacts the desert journey at the beginning of this ministry by fasting for forty days in a desert while facing Satan's temptation. His desert is living with the hope of the resurrection yet facing the reality of his Father's face turned against him at the cross.

The Father turning his face against you is the heart of the desert experience. Life has ended. It no longer has any point. You my not want to commit suicide, but death would be a relief. It's very tempting to survive the desert by taking the bread of bitterness offer by Satan - to maintain a wry, cynical detachment from life, finding a perverse enjoyment in mocking those who still hope.

God takes everyone he loves through a desert. It is his cure for our wandering hearts, restlessly searching for a new Eden. Here's how it works.

The first thing that happens is we slowly give up the fight. Our wills are broken by the reality of our circumstances. The things that brought us life gradually die. Our idols die for lack of food.

The still, dry air of the desert bring a sense of helplessness that is so crucial to the spirit of prayer. You come face-to-face with your inability to live, to have joy, to do anything of lasting worth. Life is crushing you.

Suffering burns away the false selves created by cynicism or pride or lust. You stop caring about what people think of you. The desert is God's best hope for the creation of an authentic self.

Desert life sanctifies you. You have no idea you are changing. You simply notice after you've been in the desert awhile that you are different. Things that use to be so important no longer matter.

After a while you notice your real thirsts. While in the desert David writes:
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as a dry and weary land where there is no water. (Psalm 63:1) The desert becomes a window to the heart of God. He finally gets your attention because he's the only game in town.

You cry out to God so long and so often that communication begins to open up between you and God. When driving, you turn off the radio just to be with God. At night you drift in and out of prayer when you are sleeping. Without realizing it, you have learned to pray continually. The clear, fresh water of God's presence that you discover in the desert becomes a well inside your own heart.

The best gift of the desert is God's presence. We see this in Psalm 23. In the beginning of the psalm, the Shepherd is in front of me - "he leads me beside still waters" (verse 2); at the end he is behind me - "goodness and love will pursue me" (verse 6, NIV); but in the middle, as I go through "the valley of the shadow of death," he is next to me - "I will fear no evil, for you are with me" (verse 4). The protective love of the Shepherd gives me courage to face the journey.

Excerpt from 'A Praying Life' by Paul E. Miller

Longing

I longed to walk along an easy road,
And leave behind the dull routine of home,
Thinking in other fields to serve my God;
But Jesus said, "My time has not yet come."

I longed to sow the seed in other soil,
To be unfettered in the work, and free,
To join with other laborers in their toil;
But Jesus said, "'Tis not My choice for thee."

I longed to leave the desert, and be led
To work where souls were sunk in sin and shame,
That I might win them; but the Master said,
"I have not called thee, publish here My name."

I longed to fight the battles of my King,
Lift high His standards in the thickest strife;
But my great Captain bade me wait and sing
Songs of His conquests in my quiet life.

I longed to leave the uncongenial sphere,
Where all alone I seemed to stand and wait,
To feel I had some human helper near,
But Jesus bade me guard on lonely gate.

I longed to leave the round of daily toil,
Where no one seemed to understand or care;
But Jesus said, "I choose for thee this soil,
That thou might'st raise for Me some blossoms rare."

And now I have no longing but to do
At home, or else afar, His blessed will,
To work amid the many or the few;
Thus, "choosing not to choose," my heart is still.

- A selection from 'Streams in the Desert' by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman

Rest

Be all at rest, my soul, O blessed secret,
Of the true life that glorifies the Lord;
Not always doth the busiest soul best serve Him,
But he htat resteth on His faithful Word.

Be all at rest, let not your heart be rippled,
For tiny wavelets mar the image fair,
Which the still pool reflects of heaven's glory -
And thus the image He would have thee bear.

Be all at rest, my soul, for rest is service,
To the still heart God doth His secrets tell;
Thus shalt thou learn to wait, and watch and labor,
Strengthened to bear, since Christ in thee doth dwell.

For what is service but the life of Jesus,
Lived through a vessel of earth's fragile clay,
Loving and giving and poured forth for others,
A living sacrifice from day to day.

Be all at rest, so shalt thou be an answer
To those who question, "Who is God and where?"
For God is rest, and where He dwells is stillness,
And they who dwell in Him, His rest shall share.

And what shall meet the deep unrest around thee,
But the calm peace of God that filled His breast?
For still a living Voice calls to the weary,
From Him who said, "Come unto Me and rest."

- Freda Hanbury Allen

Excerpt from Streams in the Desert

have not seen, but believe

I do not ask that He must prove
His Word is true to me,
And that before I can believe
He first must let me see.
It is enough for me to know
'Tis true because He says 'tis so;
On His unchanging Word I'll stand
And trust 'til I can understand.

- E.M. Winter

John 20:29 - Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

Taken Aside

Taken aside by Jesus,
To feel the touch of His hand;
To rest for a while in the shadow
Of the Rock in a weary land.

Taken aside by Jesus,
In the loneliness dark and drear,
Where no other comfort may reach me,
Than His voice to my heart so dear.

Taken aside by Jesus,
To be quite alone with Him,
To hear His wonderful tones of love
'Mid the silence and shadows dim.

Taken aside by Jesus,
Shall I shrink from the desert place;
When I hear as I never heard before,
And see Him "face to face."

Excerpt from Streams in the Desert by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman

Carried Through the Storms of Life

Oh What Love

Oh what love
casts out fear?

Oh what love
never betrays?

Oh what love
never forsakes?

Oh what love
Christ alone

He is love
perfect love

He's the same
yesterday and today

Oh what love
Oh what love

His alone

(Based upon I John 4:7-21)

Sorrowful yet Joyful

Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. - II Corinthians 6:10 (NLT)

This sums up my feelings well today. I grieve the sudden loss of my father-in-law, yet I am joyful knowing he is in the presence of Jesus for eternity. Only in Christ can joy and sorrow unite.

Christ, the King of Joy. Upon His head are many crowns. Scars upon His hands and feet, the scars of victory. My sorrow melts away into deathless love as I surrender myself to Him for eternity.

Christ, the King of Sorrow. Upon His head the crown of thorns. Scars upon His hands and feet, the scars of agony. With Him, sorrow is greater than any joy I've ever known.

As I follow Christ, through the storms and sunshine, in the bitterness of winter and the radiant warmth of summer, I am sorrowful yet joyful because of His amazing love and sacrifice. Only in Him could joy and sorrow unite in harmony.

Never Let Go

There will be an end to these troubles,
but until that day comes
I will live to know Christ on this earth...
until that day comes,
still I will praise Him!

until

drenched in grief
pummeled by losses

dripping wet
not without hope

some day
no more tears

until that day
live
to know Christ

until
share
in His suffering

until
praise Him
through the tears

until

Thirsty

With each additional chemo treatment I've had, I have noticed an increasing thirstiness after each one. I am constantly thirsty. As the chemo kills the cells within me, my body needs to be replenished and cleansed by cool, refreshing, pure water.

This morning my husband, Rob shared with me what he'd read from John 4 about the Samaritan woman at the well where she asks for a drink of water. Jesus tells the woman that he can provide her with living water.

13 Jesus answered, "Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, 14 but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst . Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." NIV

This is a great word picture from the Bible. Just as my body cannot function without water, my soul cannot function well spiritually without the living God, Jesus.

Psalm 42:1-2 says:
As the deer pants for streams of water,
so my soul pants for you, O' God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
where can I go and meet with God?

Lord Jesus, I praise You that You are the living water. You are the living God. You are the refreshment for my tired body and soul. Cleanse me with Your living water, Your Word and soothe my wounds. You are a cool refreshing drink of water on the parched path I am walking on. You are the thirst quencher in my life. Nothing else satisfies. What a promise to cling to. I will never thirst again when I drink of your goodness and mercy that renews my spirit and gives me life. Thank You for this word picture today. In Jesus' name, AMEN.

Psalm 143:6 - I lift my hands to you in prayer, I thirst for You as parched land thirsts for rain.

Holding On

Last week, one of my dearly loved girlfriends recommended I listen to the song, "Hold On," by Thirty-three Miles. After I listened to it, I felt inspired to press on. Lord you are SO good to me. You know what I need and when I need to be reassured of Your presence.

Psalm 138:7-8 - Though I am surrounded by troubles, You WILL protect me from the anger of my enemies. You reach out Your hand and the power of Your right hand saves me! The Lord WILL work out His plans for my life - for Your faithful love, O'Lord, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for you made me.

Perfect Peace

Yesterday, after returning from Mayo Clinic for my fourth and final chemo treatment, there was a note on our kitchen counter from a dear sister in Christ who had done some cleaning at our home before Rob & I returned. On the note, she wrote, "I am praying John 14:27 for you and your family. I looked up the Scripture reference this morning. This is what it says:

Peace I leave with you;
My peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled
and do not be afraid.

This message came at an opportune time. Yesterday, we met with a surgeon at Mayo Clinic about the possibility of removing my other breast to reduce the risk of cancer occurring in the future. Given my numerous risk factors such as: family history of breast cancer on maternal & paternal sides of my family; dense breast tissue that is more susceptible to breast cancer & difficult to detect on mammograms; I've had invasive breast cancer at a "young" age. Rob & I left the appointment with a definite decision that another surgery is around the bend (tentatively 3-4 months from now).

I have to admit, it depleted our feelings of celebration even though I completed my chemotherapy yesterday, there was a sinking realization that this race against cancer is definitely not over yet. However, we both are in agreement that we want to do whatever is necessary to reduce my risks of recureence. If this is part of that plan, then we walk forward in faith trusting God's sovereignty.

Last week, I read an excerpt from "Streams in the Desert," by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman on this topic of peace and she referenced the Scripture above that my friend left me yesterday. I feel led to share it as part of this entry, along with a song from Laura Story, titled, "Perfect Peace," both have ministered to me through this healing journey.

First the excerpt from "Streams in the Desert."

"Christ's life outwardly was one of the most troubled lives that ever lived: tempest and tumult, tumult and tempest, the waves breaking over it all the time until the worn body was laid in the grave. But the inner life was a sea of glass. The great calm was always there.

At any moment you might have gone to Him and found rest. And even when the human bloodhounds were dogging Him in the streets of Jerusalem, He turned to His disciples and offered them, as a last legacy, "My peace." (As referenced from John 14:27)"

"Rest is not a hallowed feeling that comes over us in church. it is the repose of the heart set deep in God." DRUMMOND

My peace I give in times of deepest grief,
Imparting calm and trust and My relief.

My peace I give when prayer seem lost, unheard;
Know that My promises are ever in My Word.

My peace I give when thou art left alone -
The nightingale at night has sweetest tone.

My peace I give in time of utter loss.
The way of glory leads right to the cross.

My peace I give when enemies will blame,
Thy fellowship is sweet through cruel shame.

My peace I give in agony and sweat,
For mine own brow with bloody drops was wet.

My peace I give when nearest friend betrays -
Peace that is merged in love, and for them prays.

My peace I give when there's but death for thee -
The gateway in the cross to get to Me. - L.S.P.


Lord Jesus, I thank you for Your perfect peace that passes all understanding during this turbulent time. Help us to keep our minds steadfast trusting in You as you say in Isaiah 26:3-4, You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the Rock eternal. In the power of Jesus' name. AMEN.




Lyrics to the song, "Perfect Peace" by Laura Story

Stay close by My side
Keep your eyes on Me
Though this life is hard
I will give you perfect peace

In this time of trial
Pain that no one sees
Trust Me when I say
I will give you perfect peace

And you'll never walk alone
And you'll never be in need
Though I may not calm the storms around you
You can hide in Me
Burdens that you bear
Offer no relief
Let Me bear your load
Cause I will give you perfect peace

Stay close by My side
And you'll never walk alone
Keep your eyes on Me
And you will never be in need
Though this life is hard
Know that I will always give you perfect peace
I will give you perfect peace

Summer Showers

Summer showers and storms have arrived in our region in recent days and weeks. For me, it's a literal reminder of the rain that my family and I are currently walking through. However, this week, I read an excerpt from "Streams in the Desert," by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman that I could identify with, but also greatly encouraged me. (Read below)

"Testings are raining upon me which seem beyond my power to endure. Disappointments are raining fast, to the utter defeat of all my chosen plans. Bereavements are raining into my life which are making my shrinking heart quiver in its intensity of suffering. The rain of affliction is surely beating upon my soul these days.

Friend, you are mistaken. It isn't raining for you. It's raining blessing. For, if you will but believe your Father's Word, under that beating rain are springing up flowers of such fragrance and beauty as never before grew in that stormless, unchastened life of yours.

You indeed see the rain. But do you see also the flowers? You are pained by the testings. But God sees the sweet flower of faith which is upspringing in your life under those very trials.

Your heart winces from the suffering. But God sees the tender compassion for other sufferers which is finding birth in your soul.

Your heart winces under the sore bereavement. But God sees the deepening and enriching which that sorrow has brought you.

It isn't raining afflictions for you. It is raining tenderness, love, compassion, patience, and a thousand other flowers and fruits of the blessed Spirit, which are bringing into your life such a spiritual enrichment as all the fullness of worldly prosperity and ease was never able to beget in your innermost soul. J.M.McC."

Genesis 41:52 ..."It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering."

Lord Jesus, I pray with expectation and hope that You will make my family and I bloom and be fruitful from this rain storm. In Jesus name, AMEN.

My Refuge

Last Tuesday evening I had a melt down at the dinner table with my family. The tears streamed down my face, my head held in my hands as I cried out in weariness, "I just want this to be over."

The next morning, I was scheduled to meet with three of my girlfriends for our weekly prayer time, but I didn't even feel strong enough for that. I opened up my "Jesus Calling," devotional and looked up the scripture reference for that particular day, Psalm 62:5. I ended up reading the entire Psalm, the verses that were a comfort for me were 5-8. (read below)

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:5-8

A little later that morning, I received an email from one of the girlfriends I was scheduled to pray with. The three others decided to write their prayers out and send them via email instead of gathering for prayer this week. It was amazing to me how the Lord knit a specific message through separate times of scripture reading and prayer about Him being our refuge.

Here's what one of my friends shared with me:

"Psalm 46 reminds us that You are our refuge, Oh Lord. The definition of refuge is a shelter or protection from danger or distress; a place that provides shelter or protection; a means of resort for help in difficulty. If You are our refuge, that makes us refugees (one that flees for safety; one who flees to a foreign country to escape danger or persecution.) Wow! What a word picture that is and so true of Your awesomeness. Lord, in one way or another all four of us are refugees trying to escape what this world has thrown our way. We face difficulties of letting go, difficulties in our relationships and even difficulties in fleeing to You for safety, shelter and protection. Help us Lord, show us mercy in our weakness and be our refuge. Help us to resort to You with our fears, our pain, our hopelessness, our impatience and all the difficulties that surround us and threaten to pull us away from our rest in You alone. Continually remind us that a refuge is a place that we flee to, not a place that comes to us. We need to flee to You. Help us to see You waiting and to see the lushness of Your presence and to desire to take refuge in You and rest in You."

The very next day, I received a card in the mail from a girlfriend I dearly love who I worked with years ago. In her card she wrote, "God is blessing you right now by offering you refuge in His arms, a safe harbor from the terrible storms of life. Stay strong. Relax, sleep and do all you need to do to gain your strength."

Later this week, I finished reading the book, "The Hiding Place," about Corrie ten Boom, a courageous Christian woman who became a militant heroine of the anti-Nazi underground. She experienced first hand in the concentration camps, as the prophet Isaiah promised, "a hiding place from the wind, a covert from the tempest...the shadow of a great rock in weary land."

Through everyone of these examples, it's as if the Lord was saying to me, "Terri, I AM your hiding place. I will protect you from trouble and surround you with My love. Terri, I AM your shelter from the heat of the day and a refuge and hiding place from the rain and storms of life. Rest in Me, my child. I Am your constant Companion, who sustains you moment by moment. I AM your resting place. I AM your refuge and fortress, whom you can trust."

Lord Jesus, I praise You for being my refuge and my resting place. In Your shelter I am safe and secure. You protect me in this battle called cancer. I am comforted by Your hand of protection upon me. Thank You in the midst of my chemo treatments I can rest in Your love. I can trust You to take care of me and my family, one day at a time. In Jesus' precious name. AMEN.

Psalm 32:7 - You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

A Bright Spot on a Blue Day

In my physically weakened state there are blue days. Often times, when I need a lift in my spirit I go to my granddaughter, Sydney's website and pull up the latest video and photos our son, Derek and daughter-in-law, Ali have posted. It's been a great way to keep us in the loop of Sydney's latest tricks, milestones and tender moments with them during her first year of life despite the miles between us.

Last night, our daughter, Erin pulled up Sydney's website to show some friends of ours who were visiting. To our surprise, there was a new post, a get well video from Sydney to Grandma Terri. Thanks to her thoughtful mom & dad.

I'd have to say, it's gotta be one of my most treasured get well messages I've received through my healing journey with cancer. The song playing in the background is one Erin & I dedicated to Sydney shortly after my cancer diagnosis.

Needless to say, every time I view it, I cry tears of joy. The photos are from the first moment I met Sydney just hours after her birth through a recent visit in May. The ending photo is a recent picture of her I adore - sporting her first bathing suit!

Sydney, you are a blessing from God in my life.
I love you, Cuppycake. XXOO

Proverbs 17:6 - Grandchildren are the crowning glory of the aged;

His Grace is Sufficient

Wednesday, June 3rd, Rob & I traveled to Mayo Clinic for my third round of chemo. The week prior I spent many days in bed sleeping most the day away due to increased fatigue. I was a bit discouraged going into this round already feeling so tired and weak. At my appointment, my oncology, nurse practitioner informed me that my red blood cell counts have dropped and I am anemic. That explained part of the reason for the increased fatigue. Now I'm on a mission to increase iron into my diet to combat the anemia.

As my body weakens from the chemotherapy I recognize a deeper meaning of the phrase "My grace is sufficient for you," from II Corinthians 12:9. My faith is being challenged by a greater, deeper dependency on God, on medical professionals, on friends and loved ones to help me. It's very humbling.

Lord Jesus, thank you for enveloping me with Your grace that sees me through each day. Your Holy Spirit upholds me and sustains me in my weakened state of being. Your treasure is in this weak vessel, this jar of clay made strong by Your all-surpassing power that only comes from You and not me. I praise you for Your overflowing and sufficient grace for each new day. In Jesus name, AMEN.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. II Corinthians 4:7

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. II Corinthians 12:9

Mighty To Save

One of my favorite worship songs that my family has heard me play repeatedly during this valley.

Zephaniah 3:17 - The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

In My Weakness Renewed by His Love

My body is wearing down a bit from the second session of chemo. The past 48 hours fatigue nailed me to my bed. The combination of the steroids wearing off and the neulasta shot to boost my white blood cell counts knocked me down for a few days. There is an intense achiness and weakness in my legs. There are moments when I feel so tired, so exhausted, so weak there is nothing left inside to act as energy - I'm totally depleted. All I can do is go to bed and rest. I'm unable to do anything else.

As I've laid in bed resting I've been reflecting on something I read last week by Amy Carmichael from her book Rose from Brier.

O, God, renew us in Thy love today,
For our tomorrow we have not a care,
Who blessed our yesterday
Will meet us there

But our today is all athirst for Thee
Come in the stillness,
O Thou heavenly dew,
Come Thou to us - to me -
Revive and renew.

I'm discovering that there is strength in that quiet stillness of laying on my Father's chest. Unable to do anything else but be still and know He's God. Know He's with me. Know He's holding me. I'm finding peace in being silent in His perfect love, however weary my flesh may be for that particular moment.

I also came across a Henri Nouwen quote that goes along with this subject. I was challenged and encouraged by it.

"Let this time of tiredness
be a time of solitude
where you can recharge your life,
Where your wounds are oiled by Gilead,
your muscles massaged,
your courage renewed,
and your body nourished by My love."

Lord Jesus, even though there are moments when I feel hard pressed on every side, I am not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed. I know it is so that the life of Jesus may be revealed through my body. (II Corinthians 4:8-10) Even though I am experiencing multiple losses in my life at this time, I see this as a new beginning of drawing me closer to you, Jesus. Help me to endure the pain with expectancy toward your promise of your perfecting work in me. Give me the stamina I need for today and courage to face tomorrow. Revive and renew me by Your love Father as I rest in You.

The Lord Your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

Evidence of His Unfailing Love

Last week, I noticed a repetitive message occurring during my Bible reading from Psalm 117 & 118. There was an emphasis coming through about God's unfailing love, faithfulness and goodness that I could not ignore.

Psalm 117:2 says:
For he loves us with unfailing love; The Lord's faithfulness endures forever.

Psalm 118:1 & 29 say:
Give thanks to the Lord for he is good! His faithfulness endures forever!

I prayed that God would open my heart, ears, eyes and mind to His unfailing love and faithfulness to me so that I may praise Him more fully through this valley even though I many not "feel" thankful at times.

I jotted a list of my observations -

The day I buzzed off my hair, my sister, Deb traveled 240 miles round trip to make a special delivery of Blue Bunny ice cream and chocolate to console me as only a sister can.

I was given the opportunity to spend some one on one time with my precious granddaughter, Sydney. I enjoyed tender moments of holding her, feeding her, rocking her, going on a walk with she, her dad, my daughter & husband.

I received a beautiful spring bouquet of flowers from my brother, Bob who lives in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Just to remind me he loves me before I started chemo.

I received a caring phone call from my brother Randy to see how I was doing after my first round of chemo.

Our Japanese student friend, Nao, spent a couple nights with our family before she returned to Japan. She blessed me with her gift of music by playing our piano the afternoon before she left.

My husband, Rob took me shopping for fabric to make scarves so I'd be prepared before my hair fell out. He asked my mom if she'd cut & stitch them to size for my head and she lovingly did so in a quick turn around time.

My mom and sister visited on Mother's Day per my special request. I needed to spend some time be with these two special ladies on that day. We shopped for some flowers that afternoon together. My sister potted them and arranged them for my front entry way while my Mom weeded my garden.

We received a gift card for fuel from our church family, (Trinity Bible) to help with the fuel expense to and from Mayo Clinic.

I received the book, Rose from Brier by Amy Carmichael in the mail from a dear friend a few days before I started my 2nd round of chemo. What a blessing it was to read while I waited to meet with doctors at Mayo and during my chemo treatment.

A sister in Christ made me a few small loaves of gluten-free bread and delivered them to my home.

I had the pleasure of a visit from some long-time friends and neighbors one evening, who also brought me a supply of gluten-free crackers & bread to help combat the side effect of nausea from the chemotherapy.

My mother and father-in-law spent an afternoon with us and stocked my fridge with her homemade strawberry rhubarb jam. (One of my favorites) They also shared information about ginger helping combat nausea then shared some crystallized ginger with me.

My mother stayed with our daughter while I was at Mayo for a couple days. She never comes empty handed - she had a gerber daisy planter to put outside on our patio and homemade chicken noodle soup to put in my freezer so I could "graze" on it after my 2nd round of chemo. She tended to Erin's needs and managed our home as only a grandma can do. She made meals, washed laundry, pulled more weeds from my garden, dusted, vacuumed etc...

A sister in Christ, cleaned my kitchen and bathrooms thoroughly before I returned home from Mayo Clinic after my second round of chemo.

A dear friend and sister in Christ provided a meal for our family after my chemo treatment.

Heartfelt messages sent via email, U.S. postal, text message, voice mail at just the moment I needed to be encouraged. Reminders that me and my family are still being prayed for during this valley.

A faithful friend who has helped give rides to our daughter, Erin to and from school when need to be. Her smile and hug always lifts my spirit.

The laughter of our daughter, Erin spending time with her girl friend at out home gives me joy.

A faithful group of women I can regularly pray with on a weekly basis.

A gorgeous, pink begonia left at my door step from a dear sister in Christ with a note saying, "May the beauty of these flowers lift your spirit to the Lord of Life."


Wow! My heart overflows with gratefulness. As I look over this list (that is certainly not exhaustive) I am in awe of Your loving kindness, tender care, unfailing love and faithfulness to me through others. Lord I ask that You bless each and every one of them in a double portion for their tender acts of love, mercy and compassion to me and my family. Lord, Jesus thank you for giving me a fresh perspective. For helping me see and to choose to praise you in spite of how I may feel physically or emotionally. I praise you Jesus for who You are - a faithful, loving, good Father. For what You do and what You give - blessings from above in tangible ways through others. May I never forget how simple acts of kindness done in Your name bless others profoundly. Thank you precious Lord, Jesus.

Hebrews 13:15-16 - Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise - the fruit of lips that confess His name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

At my first chemo treatment, my oncologist went over the side effects of the chemotherapy drugs she warned me that one of the side effects from adriamycin is hair loss. It was at the top of the list. She said I could expect my hair to fall out approximately 14 days after my initial chemo treatment.

Sure enough, just as she predicted, my hair started falling out more excessively 14 days later.

Thankfully, (with a nudge from my husband, because I had been fighting denial) I scheduled an appointment with my beautician to come to our home on that 14 day marker. My initial hope was that I'd only have to cut it shorter then buzz it off the next time. That wasn't meant to be.

On that morning of the 14th day, after I'd showered and went through my usual morning routine of dressing, drying and styling my hair, putting on my makeup, etc. I thought I'm going to see what will happen if I gently clasp my fingers around my hair at the nape of my neck and gently pull. I wanted to see how much might come out because I'd been noticing for several days it had been falling out more and more, as well as my skelp was feeling tingly. I wasn't terribly surprised when the hair came out with ease. I clasped some more hair between my fingers at the nape of my neck and did it several more times until I covered the basin of the sink with my hair as evidence to show my husband, daughter and beautician that today was the day my hair would be going.

I called my husband and daughter into the bathroom to show them the hair in the sink. We all stood in a daze, then we embraced one another, shared tears of sorrow. Sorrow of having to walk through this and recognizing yet another level of reality sinking in about the path yet before us.

An hour later, my beautician showed up at our home. I took her to the bathroom to show her the hair in the sink. She said if it's coming out that easily it will only be a matter of a couple days and it will all be falling out in clumps. She hugged me with tear filled eyes and reassured me that it will grow back.

We got the dining room set up as a temporary salon. Placed a drop cloth under my chair and positioned me in front of a mirror we have in the dining room so I could watch the progression of my hair being cut shorter. She cut it off in stages. Little by little my graying, blond locks dropped to the floor and the clipper heads were changed numerous times. When I got to the butch hair cut I had to make sure I got a photo for our son, Derek because he said to me the day before, "It's not every day you and I will have the same haircut, Mom!" Our daughter looked on in sadness with tears rolling down her face. I looked into the mirror in wonder, laughing, smiling, joking about the various hair styles I've had in times past when I was a child - the dreaded pixie and shags!

I'm still not use to passing by a mirror and seeing myself without the center piece of my appearance gone. I can say, it sure saves a lot of time getting ready in the morning! I'm learning to style and wear a wig and experimenting with hats and scarves as a new form of assessory. My favorite hat so far is one my husband bought for me. It's a lavendar, baseball type cap that says, "Life is Good!" I actually believe, "Life is Hard, but God IS good!" I think this cap may become a "signature" as I walk through this phase of my treatment.


Lord Jesus, I am amazed at the grace You poured out upon me for this very day that I had been dreading and hoping wouldn't happen. I lay my appearance before Your throne of grace. Thank You for teaching through this experience the meaning of true beauty. As You say in Your Word (I Peter 3:3-4), You desire the inner beauty of a gentle, quiet spirit which is of great worth in Your sight. I ask You to carve that into my heart, mind and soul in a deeper level than You ever have before. Peal away the vanity and pride in me by Your loving and patient ways, so that I may glorify You more fully. In Jesus Name, I ask this. AMEN.

First Round

Last Monday, May 4th, at the crack of dawn I went to Allen Hospital to have a medi-port surgically implanted near my left collar bone so that I could receive chemo in one location instead of being poked in numerous places.

When we arrived home later that morning after that procedure, we were informed that there was a power outage at the Cedar Valley Medical Park and I would not be able to receive my first chemo treatment that afternoon as scheduled.

Due to previous medical delays we've already experienced, Rob & I took this as a sign that I was to go back up to Mayo Clinic. Rob called Mayo right away. They were able to get me in the next morning, Tuesday, May 5th.

I had a blood draw at 6:40 am, then we met with the oncology nurse later that morning. She informed Rob & I of the numerous side effects of the specific chemotherapy I'd be receiving. Then she provided a list of meds that will help counter act the side effects. She warned me that my hair will probably fall out 10 to 14 days after my first treatment, then wrote me a script for a wig.

While Rob & I were in the waiting area of 10 East, we met three women dressed in Mexican attire. They were celebrating Cinco de Mayo at Mayo with their friend, Lisa who is also battling breast cancer. Lisa offered me some encouragement to ease my anxiety. One of the things her friend said to me, that I will hold close to my heart as I return for my next treatment - "This is a place where new friends meet."

The actual chemo treatment was painless because the needle was accessible when I had the medi-port placed the day before. I didn't even feel a needle prick. I sat back in a chair that looks like one you'd sit in for a pedicure, turned my ipod on, put my earphones in and relaxed. It took approximately one hour for them to administer the two chemo drugs (adriamycin and cytoxan)through the IV.

The following day, I had a neulasta booster shot to bolster my white blood cells. This will be part of the routine, twenty-four hours after each chemo treatment. The nurse warned me it may cause muscle aches and pains the next day. I don't remember that so much as being really fatigued by noon the next day.

The first four nights after treatment I had insomnia. WIDE AWAKE until about 3 am. I guess this is a common side effect of chemo and the anti-nausea meds. You trade one thing for another. I'd rather be awake in the middle of the night then puking any day. For me, I'd say it's a good trade off.

Today, it's been one week since that first treatment, I am pleased to say that the side effects have been manageable so far. They loaded me up with anti-nausea meds through my IV before I left Mayo and sent me home with some to take for the first four days. I'm learning it's best to "graze" a little bit throughout the day vs. eating larger meals and constantly drink small portions of water all day long. There have been moments of muscle & joint aches, pains and fatigue that totally wipes me out - basically my body is screaming at me - "You MUST rest NOW!" then I do.

Lord Jesus, I thank you that the side effects of the chemo therapy have been manageable so far. I give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His faithful love endures forever. How can I praise Him enough? (Psalm 106:1-2)

Clear & Confident Direction

I've been waiting and wondering for weeks whether or not I would need chemotherapy as part of the next phase of my breast cancer treatment. One oncologist, recommended no chemotherapy, while the second oncologist did. You may think, it must be difficult to know which direction is the right one to take.

Yesterday, during my second opinion appointment with an oncologist at Mayo Clinic, Rob & I both heard this clear message:

"Up to 10 weeks following surgical removal of cancerous tumors is the prime time to kill any residual "maverick" cancer cells that may be in the blood stream before they have a chance to grow anywhere else in the body (such as liver, lungs, bones or brain). A chemotherapy regimen lowers your cancer recurrence rate significantly. If you choose not to take chemo and your cancer recurs somewhere else in your body, the cancer will be treatable, but more likely terminal."

The last sentence in that statement was the turning point for Rob & I,in making a confident decision to proceed with chemotherapy. We have been praying Psalm 32:8 together and with others for God's guidance, advise and watchful eye over this process. We feel that was answered yesterday. This is the way - walk in it - it's best.

To me, a regimen of chemotherapy is a bit of an insurance policy, if you will, so that I’m that much closer to being “cured” from breast cancer. For me, the short term pain of chemotherapy is worth the long term gain.

Lord Jesus, I thank you for Your clear direction in making these tough decisions. Thank you for keeping Your watchful eye on me every step of the way through this process - guiding, directing and advising me. I praise You for giving Rob & I unity about this decision, even though Rob would prefer to spare me from the pain, he knows it's best for me long term. Lord Jesus, please BE my family & I's strength through this next phase of treatment in the days, weeks and months ahead.

Psalm 32:8 - The Lords says, "I WILL guide you along the best pathway for your life. I WILL advise you and watch over you."

Isaiah 30:21 - Whether you turn to the right or the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it."

I Do Not Belong

This song, "I Do Not Belong," reminded me that this world is not all there, because I believe in Jesus Christ. This world is not my home. This world of broken pieces is not all there is for anyone who receives Jesus as Lord and Savior of their life.

In Paul's testimony from Philippians 1:20-24 he says: "I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body."

What Paul was saying is that "to live," meant to develop eternal values and to tell others about Christ. Paul's whole purpose in life was to speak boldly for Christ and to become more like Him. Paul was able to say with confidence, that dying would be even better than living because death would remove him from worldly troubles and he would see Christ face to face.

Below are the lyrics of "I Do Not Belong," by Kutless plus the audio/video of it.


I Do Not Belong

I look around
and feel like
things change
and I don't know why

Every day that passes by
I feel so far away
I can see in the distance
You have the rest of me
I put my trust in You
as I look beyond today
It's all becoming clear

CHORUS
I do not belong
in a world of broken pieces
I was meant to be
in the arms of Your redemption
I am moving on
to the place of your perfection
cuz I do not belong

When the world
is behind me
on the day
that I breath my last
In the face of eternity
there is hope
because I believe

When I look to the heavens
In the future
that you hold
It makes it easier
to see beyond today
Now I'm looking to the sky

CHORUS

This world is not
my home
I'm a stranger in this land
but I'm not alone

CHORUS




Lord Jesus, I thank you for this eternal perspective today, that my life is not my own; that this world is not my home. In this valley, I must be honest, there have been days, when I've been torn between the desire of seeing You face to face or remaining here on earth. This I know, while I am here on this earth, my purpose is to glorify You and make You known to others. Give this ordinary woman courage and confidence in who You are in my life to make that so. I adore you Lord, Jesus.

John 15:19 - ...As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world.

A New Song in My Heart

Today I am reaping a blessing from the Lord, from Psalm 40:3 where it says, He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.

The song He has put in my heart today, I heard for the first time on the radio this morning after dropping my daughter off at school. It's titled, "Can't Take Away," by a new Christian Rock group, Mikeschair. Below are the lyrics to it -

Can't Take Away

All around
All of us
Fear has come
and so we must
Ask ourselves
in who we trust
What we have here
is not enough
So let it ring
in freedom sing

CHORUS
You can take away
Everything that I've been holdin'
You can take away the sun
You can take away
the very air that I've been breathin'
But you CAN'T take away MY GOD!

Rains will come
Winds will blow
But it's not here
I found my hope
My bleeding heart
My weary soul
Is held by One
Who won't let go
So I'll cling
to you my King

CHORUS

A hope that can't be lost
A love that can't be bought
YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY GOD!
Nothin high or low
Nothin you can control
YOU CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY GOD!

CHORUS



As I listen to this song, I'm reminded of the story of Job and his suffering. Yet in his suffering he did not forsake God. Job's testimony displays love for God - for who He is, NOT what he gives.

Job 1:20-22..."The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." In all of this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.

Lord, Jesus, thank you for putting this new song in my heart today. No matter what may be taken away, NOTHING can take You away from me. My security is in You alone.

Definitions of Faith

Excerpts from Streams in the Desert by Mrs. Charles E. Cowman

Each of three boys gave a definition of faith which is an illustration of the tenacity of faith. The first boy said, "It is taking hold of Christ"; the second, "Keeping hold"; and the third, "Not letting go."

Faith says not, "I see it is good for me, so God must have sent it," but, "God sent it, and so it must be good for me."

Faith, walking in the dark with God, only prays Him to clasp its hand more closely.

The Shepherd does not ask of thee
Faith in thy faith, but only faith in Him;
And this He meant in saying, "Come to me."
In light or darkness seek to do His will,
And leave the work of faith to Jesus still.

Faith is...the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1

True faith drops its letter in the post office box, and lets it go. It hands its case over to God, and then He works.

Waiting Patiently

A dear sister in Christ recommended I read Psalm 40:1-3 today. It says:

I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the Lord.

Waiting for God to help us is not easy, but as I read this today I noticed what God promises He will do if we obediently wait upon Him. In verse one, He promises to turn to me and hear my cry. In verse two, He promises to lift me out of the pit and set my feet on a firm place to stand. In verse three, He promises to put a new song in my mouth, one that praises Him so that many will put their trust in Him.

I especially noticed my "job" is to wait - then He acts on my behalf in ways I can not possibly do without Him. Isn't that a beautiful thing? As I wait, that gives me an increased hope in Him plus anticipation of the blessings that will follow. Lord help me to wait patiently.

Standing Still

"Stand still" - keep the posture of an upright man, ready for action, expecting further orders, cheerfully and patiently awaiting the directing voice; and it will not be long and God shall say to you, as distinctly as Moses said it to the people of Isreal, "Go forward."

C.H. Spurgeon

Prayer for the Church

Prayer for the Church, by Jeremy Riddle is a song that was introduced to me this Wednesday from a friend who gave me the Jeremy Riddle's CD titled, "The Now and Not Yet." (Unfortunately, I am unable to find the song on youtube.com so I could attach it.) I've been playing it repeatedly as a prayer for the "church" at large - the Body of Christ - believers in Jesus world wide. Would you join me in this prayer?

Where she is weak.
Strengthen arms now, steady feet.
That she would care for, she would seek.
Welcoming Your lost and wounded sheep.
Coming home to you.

Where she is stained.
Bring Your healing., bring Your rain.
Wash away now her disgrace.
Til she shines in white, she radiates.
She now mirrors You.

No more compromises, no more moral crises.
Tonight may she move and act as You.
No more small divisions.
No more lack of wisdom.
Tonight may she move and act as You.

Where she is right give her courage for the fight.
Full of salt now, full of light.
Standing firm where truth and love collide.
She remains in You.

Now she's shining.
Her light is blinding as she sings Your name.
Now she's beauty.
Up from the ashes, Your love is on her face.

Where she is strong, keep her moving, pressing on.
Bringing justice, righting wrongs.
Demonstrating now Your Kingdom come.
She's in step with You.


Lord Jesus, make us more like You. May we act more like You. May we love more like You. May we shine more like You in this darkened world. Help us stand firm in You. Help us remain in You. Keep us pressing on and into You. Give us strength and courage for the fight. Help us to be in step with You, Father. May our love for You never cease and our adoration increase as we cry out to You in our need to be transformed into the likeness of Your son, Jesus.

Movin' Forward and Still Waiting

On March 16th, I met with the oncologist for the first time. At that appointment he ordered two genetic tests with the intent that these results will help guide the decisions about the next phase of my cancer treatment. I was told it would take 14-21 days for the results to be in.

This week (a month since the first visit), the oncologist gave me the results from the BRAC1 & 2 test. Both of them were negative! I am not a gene carrier for breast cancer or ovarian cancer. Those results indicate I have a lower risk for breast cancer to reoccur. Just as important, it reduces the risk for my daughter, Erin & granddaughter, Sydney from battling this disease in the future. I am thankful to God for this wonderful news!

At this same appointment the oncologist apologetically reported that there is yet another delay with the Oncotype DX test results. I need to wait another 10-14 days longer. Sigh. The results of this test will determine whether or not I need chemotherapy and more surgery.

Thankfully, I ended this week with my second opinion appointment scheduled at Mayo Clinic on Wednesday, April 29th.

I'm at a place now, where I desire to move forward and get the next phase of my treatment behind me - whatever that regimen is going to be. I want to know what's next.

I've had to make a choice daily - do I focus on the delays and the failure of man or do I rest in Jesus. Honestly, it's been difficult for me. Some days I get stuck, focused on what didn't work out, reliving the disappointments. I must move on, move forward. I do not understand why God permitted the delays. He knows and understands every disappointment, every loss, every challenge. Before long He will reveal the next steps I need to take on this journey.


Lord, Jesus, I lay my disappointments down before Your throne. Thank You for the wonderful results from the first test. Forgive me for my impatience and desire to control the timetable of this journey. Thank You Father that You have every day of my life recorded in Your book. Help me to wait with a spirit of praise and continue to build my physical stamina for the next phase of treatment. Keep my head lifted up and gazing at You, standing still in Your presence with a heart of gratitude rejoicing in Your love and faithfulness. I know You desire for me to walk by faith not sight, trusting You more completely and resting more fully in Your presence. Thank You for reassuring me that before long, You will direct me in what ways to move forward for my long term benefit. For now, help me to wait a little longer - obediently.

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! - Isaiah 30:18