Pouring My Heart Out - While He Pours Healing In

Dazed. Numb. In a fog. Is this really happening? Somebody pinch me and tell me it isn't so. Am I observing this as a by-stander? Nope. I'm the main character.

Lord, Jesus, life is not going as I planned, but I know you're not caught off guard. I know this is no surprise to you. You knew everything that was coming my way. I am a bit stunned, even though I was trying to "prepare" myself for this news the past few days. When I got a glimpse of the MRI last week, I thought I saw more cancer. Well, I was right. I did.

Lord, help me to focus on the positives - no cancer present in the other breast. The lymph nodes were not enlarged on the MRI - that's a good sign it hasn't spread. Still I won't know for sure about the lymph nodes after further examination the day of surgery (Tuesday, February 24th).

Lord, I want the cancer completely removed from my body, so if that means I need to have a mastectomy I will do it. Just help me get my mind wrapped around that, ok? Help me to accept it by the power of Your grace, love and mercy.

I need You, Lord. I need You to carry me. I know I can't do this without You. Lord, I want to trust in You with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding; in all my ways acknowledge You and You will make my paths straight. (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Help me to trust in you at ALL times. Help me to pour out my heart to you, Oh God You are my refuge. Oh, Lord, help me not to be afraid to tell You what's on my heart. Your Word says, You know my thoughts and my actions and You know what I'm going to say before I say it. (Psalm 139:1-4) Thank you that you will never be offended when I pour out my despair and bitterness that wells up in my heart. You desire for me to cry out in my agony. As I pour out my heart to You, I rid myself of soul-cancerous bitterness. I also make room for You to pour IN Your healing.
Pour Your healing into my body, Lord, Jesus. Replace all of those cancerous cells with new healthy cells touched by You.

Surely,Jesus, You are taking up my disease called cancer and carrying my sorrows over it. You, Jesus, were pierced for my transgressions and crushed for my iniquities, the punishment that has brought me peace was upon You, and by Your wounds I am healed. (Isaiah 53:3-5)

Merciful Father, because of your great love I am not consumed because Your compassions never fail me. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness. Oh Lord, You are my portion as I wait. You are good to me as I hope in You and seek Your beautiful face, my Lord, my Savior. (Lamentations 3:22-25)